Psychologist on fatherhood: a challenge, but also a source of satisfaction

Fatherhood is quite a challenge, but also a source of satisfaction - observing the first steps and smiles, playing together, closeness and relationship - psychologist Dr. Kamil Janowicz from SWPS University told PAP. He added that an involved father is just as valuable a parent to a child as a mother.

On June 23, Father's Day is celebrated in Poland.

In the early 1990s, the first meeting of a father with his newborn child took place through a hospital window. Now, it is almost universal for men to be present in delivery rooms, who, in addition to supporting their partner in labor, can be involved in the care of the newborn from the very beginning.

In an interview with PAP, Dr. Kamil Janowicz, psychologist and lecturer at SWPS University, who deals with, among other things, parental identity, explained that for many men - if they were properly prepared - giving birth is an event that makes them realize and realise entering a new life role and the sense of responsibility associated with it.

"Some men talk about a flood of love and joy. Others - that they have heard about it, but have not experienced it - and this is also normal, feelings can come with time. The basis for building a relationship with a very small child is meeting their basic needs: feeding, changing diapers, bathing, putting them to sleep, taking care of warmth and comfort," said the psychologist.

He added that a small child will not remember seeing their father with a diaper or a bottle in his hand. However, on a physical and emotional level, they will gain the feeling that not only their mother, but also their father is a parent who can recognize needs and respond to them, and therefore can be trusted.

"Infants cared for in this way grow up to be children who are happy to stay with their father, play with him, talk to him. For them, the father is just as valuable a parent as the mother. Some men proudly say that it is them that the child comes to when it experiences successes or failures - which is the best proof of the quality of the relationship between them," the psychologist said.

In his opinion, it is worth supporting fathers and encouraging them to get involved at an early stage of their child's life. Especially since it is beneficial for them: parenthood gives a sense of being competent, develops on a social and emotional level, allows for verification of life priorities and values, and becomes a contribution to development and reflection.

"Apart from the fact that fatherhood is an additional burden and challenge, it is also a source of satisfaction. In studies, fathers say that they enjoy spending time together, seeing their child smile, being able to observe their child's development, playing together, interacting, being close," said Dr. Janowicz. "Especially those highly involved fathers emphasize that many things happen only once: once a child starts walking, talking, once it goes to kindergarten or school - and they want to witness this, accompany the child," he added.

He explained that an additional source of satisfaction is the possibility of experiencing parenthood together with a partner. At the level of certain averages, we see - as indicated by Dr. Janowicz - that in the first weeks or even months after giving birth, satisfaction with the relationship decreases - both among fathers and mothers. In the longer term, however, we observe that this satisfaction either increases to the previous level or even increases. Especially when the couple is focused on cooperation and mutual support.

The expert said that how parents and partners cope with challenges is very important. Are they able to communicate with each other appropriately, cooperate, and look for solutions together? Working in cooperation is something that builds and bonds the relationship and gives a sense of fulfillment.

Asked how women can support men in their fatherhood, Dr. Janowicz replied that the decision to expand the family should be a joint one, and both parties should feel good about it. He added that it is valuable to support the building of a father-child relationship already in the prenatal period: encouraging talking to the belly, joint visits to the doctor, during which the father can see his son or daughter on an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat, as well as joint participation in childbirth classes.

"I think it is fundamental to recognise that a father is just as important a parent as a mother. He is not the one who is pregnant, he is not the one who is breastfeeding - but a relationship with a father is very necessary for a child. It may be a little different, because we are all different, but it is not an addition. We have a lot of studies, reviews, meta-analyses that show that the presence, involvement of a father and his emotional availability is something that has a positive impact on development in all key areas of a child's development: emotional, social, cognitive, as well as a reduced number and intensity of health problems - both physical and mental," said Dr Janowicz.

He added that women should share knowledge, observations and experience, but also be open to their partner's perspective, ideas and solutions. Sharing responsibilities is important - "this is our common child, we do it together".

Janowicz emphasized that the quality of relationships should be taken care of even before the child is born.

"It is not true that birth is a remedy for a crisis in a relationship - quite the opposite. It is a big challenge, a change in life, it exhausts resources, including emotional ones. It happens that raising and caring for a child fuels conflict, rivalry, blaming and undermining one's own opinion, which can result in a decrease in the quality of the relationship or even its breakdown," he explained.

If a separation does occur - as Dr. Janowicz said - both parties should cooperate with each other on issues concerning the child, its development and supporting the relationship with the other parent. It is worth taking care of regular contact, of participating in the child's life not only on special occasions, on the basis of games and attractions, but also in ordinary everyday life, which in itself can be very attractive and developmental.

The child should be part of the new home that the father will create - alone or with a new partner. The father - in addition to contributing to the costs of maintaining his son or daughter, also in the form of alimony, and participating in making important decisions - should take care of the common bond, be with the child, take an interest in it, ask questions and listen to what it has to say.

According to the report "Dad 2022" prepared by the Dajemy Dzieciom Siłę Foundation, fathers in Poland live with their children (90.1%) and their mothers (86.4%) and are professionally active (89.2%). Those who work spend an average of 3.5 hours with their children on a working day and 5 hours on a day off. The greatest difficulties in parenting for them are: fatigue and lack of time for themselves (67.2%), lack of patience with children (31.5%) and differences of opinion with the child's mother (22.4%).

Katarzyna Czarnecka (PAP)

ksc/ mark/ jpn/