Connected yet alone: ​​Why many mothers are lonelier than ever

In March, singer Chappell Roan (27) caused a stir when she declared on the podcast "Call Her Daddy": "All my friends with children seem like they're in hell." She said she "doesn't know anyone my age who has children and is happy, anyone who has a light in their eyes and has slept." These statements met with fierce criticism – many found them sweeping and hurtful to mothers. But behind the provocative formulation lies a topic that is often taboo: More and more young mothers feel lonely, even though they are more digitally connected than ever before.

As exaggerated as Roan's words may sound, the feeling of deep exhaustion, overwhelm, and inner emptiness is not foreign to many mothers. Yet maternal loneliness is not a purely modern phenomenon. "But it has intensified in recent years," explains psychotherapist Annika Haffke in an interview with the news agency spot on news. "In the past, mothers often lived in multi-generational households or close-knit village communities. Childcare and family responsibilities were shared among many shoulders. There was daily interaction and social support—all of this could counteract the feeling of loneliness."

Myth of "the perfect mother"

Today, the social safety net is often thinner. Especially in cities, many live far away from relatives, and at the same time, expectations of "good mothers" have risen enormously. Haffke emphasizes: "The pressure to do everything right, coupled with a lack of social support, can exacerbate feelings of isolation and loneliness."

The role of mothers has also changed – and with it the mental strain. "It's no longer just a single role, but a multitude of roles that mothers are expected to fulfill simultaneously: the loving mother, supportive partner, committed career woman, and reliable friend. And all of this, ideally, without compromise," says Haffke. Many of these roles even contradict each other. Those who return to work quickly are perceived as not caring enough. Those who take too long off work miss out on career opportunities. "The feeling of not being able to do anything right can cause additional stress. If the pressure and strain persist, the risk of mental illness or burnout, among other things, can increase."

A new village is needed - even in the city

Social support can be a way out of being overwhelmed – but how realistic is that today? "There's definitely some truth to the saying that 'it takes a whole village to raise a child,'" says Haffke. However, this village often looks different today than it did in the past. If family isn't available, alternative networks must be created: parent friends, neighbors, acquaintances from daycare or school. Haffke advises creative alliances – for example, through carpooling, shared shopping lists, or playdates after kindergarten. "This can create synergies to relieve each other's stress and create space."

But why is it so difficult to talk about these stresses these days? For Dr. Hanne Horvath, psychologist and founder of the online therapy platform HelloBetter, one problem lies in society's perceptions of motherhood: "We are shaped by an image of the happy mother who finds fulfillment in caring for her child. This image stands in the way of many mothers when they want to talk about their overwhelmedness or loneliness." Instead of understanding, they often encounter incomprehension or even feelings of guilt.

At the same time, life realities have changed: "In the past, the lives of young women were relatively clearly defined—having children was almost automatically a part of it. Today, life planning has become more diverse and individual. Those who decide to have children today often experience it as a break with their previous life. This discrepancy can further increase the emotional burden," says Horvath.

The solution? "Even if it takes some effort, the first step is to talk openly about your own feelings," says Dr. Hanne Horvath. "Only then can real relief be achieved and those close to you can react or support you accordingly." It's also helpful to integrate regular adult contact into your daily routine. "It doesn't always have to be other mothers and shared activities with the child, even if that seems obvious and practical. This way, women as a whole can get out of their 'baby or toddler bubble' to some extent."

According to the psychologist, it's also important to examine one's own social media consumption. "This isn't necessarily about drastically reducing it, but rather about avoiding channels that trigger insecurity or sadness," she explains, advising: "Instead, it can be helpful to follow accounts where mothers talk openly about their challenges and stresses. This often takes away the pressure of constant comparison."

SpotOnNews