How to help a loved one trapped in a toxic relationship?

It could be that friend who simply says they're " too sensitive ," but for months has been putting up with criticism disguised as jokes about their appearance or lifestyle choices from their partner. Or that once-dynamic colleague who no longer speaks up in meetings, preferring to step aside rather than risk a cutting remark from their manager. These seemingly banal scenes can be signs of a toxic relationship. Whether it's love, friendship, or work, they gradually undermine self-esteem and isolate those who are affected by them.

How do you react when you witness someone being held accountable? How do you help without hurting someone's feelings, without risking further withdrawal or isolation? " To offer genuine support, it's essential to understand the mechanisms of control and spot the warning signs ," emphasizes psychologist and psychotherapist Lisa Letessier.

The insidious mechanisms of toxic relationships

First and foremost, it's important to distinguish a toxic relationship from a simple difficult period within a couple or friendship. According to Lisa Letessier, the first element to spot is devaluation. " When a member of our entourage regularly finds themselves confronted with demeaning or humiliating remarks, even in a subtle way, it's a cause for concern. What should raise alarm bells is the repetition of these behaviors."

Another telltale sign is the feeling of control: "Within this relationship, the person may feel prevented from expressing their emotions, no longer daring to speak or ask for certain things for fear of the other person's reaction," she explains. Manipulation often adds to this picture: " The toxic person will make the "victim" believe that they are too sensitive or that they are making things up. They may even deny entire conversations to sow doubt and undermine their self-confidence." Finally, isolation is common: " The toxic person often seeks to distance their partner or friend from their loved ones, sometimes by provoking conflicts that did not exist before."

The grip, a destructive spiral

As Lisa Letessier points out, this domination can lead to a total loss of self-confidence, depression, and even burnout when the situation plays out in the workplace. " Under the effect of repeated devaluation and manipulation, self-esteem gradually collapses, giving way to a feeling of helplessness and isolation. Stress becomes omnipresent: the victim feels trapped, unable to leave, faced with a partner who uses arguments or blackmail to keep them." By dint of fearing displeasing or provoking conflict, the person ends up distancing themselves from those around them, cut off from their usual points of reference. " In the most serious situations, the influence can lead to a deep depressive state, or even symptoms of post-traumatic stress, especially when psychological or physical violence is present."

He added: " Depending on the degree of influence, the impact is considerable. It can have a lasting impact on the victim's life, affecting their mental health, their ability to form new relationships, and their relationship with themselves."

How to help without making the situation worse?

When you want to support a loved one caught in a toxic relationship, it is crucial to measure the extent of the influence exerted. According to Lisa Letessier, you must "avoid going in head-on, because the other person may become defensive." It is better to adopt " a caring, non-judgmental listening posture: ask open questions, offer a space for discussion where the other person will feel free to express their doubts and feelings." Concretely, it is better to ask: " How do you feel in this relationship?", "How can I help you?" and ban accusatory phrases like : "You absolutely have to leave him!", "I don't understand how you can stay," "It's obvious that this person is manipulating you." Sometimes, it is better for the dialogue to come from a friend or colleague who is less emotionally involved, to avoid the person feeling cornered. It is also useful to check your impressions with other loved ones so as not to bear the weight of worry alone. "If the suffering becomes too great, encouraging the victim to seek professional help can help them understand the impact and rebuild their lives."

Finally, it is important to understand that getting out of a toxic relationship takes time: " Maintaining the connection, remaining available, supporting without pressure, is often the best way to help a loved one, even if you sometimes feel powerless."