Maria Popov: Why does sex have such a high status in our society?

BRIGITTE: Dear Maria, what societal myths about female sexuality do you want to break down with "Kein Bock Club"?

Maria Popov: The myth of female aversion, which supposedly makes us less womanly, has to end. And this idea that sex is an essential part of being healthy or having a healthy relationship. The consequences of these assumptions are disastrous—sometimes even far more negative than we're led to believe. For example, there are too many women who agree to sex because saying no in that moment would be more exhausting. And that's actually unbelievable when you think about it.

In your book, the terms "asexuality" and "lack of interest" appear, and many people use them synonymously. What is the difference for you?

It was important to me not to write a book about asexuality, but to focus on "lack of desire"—hence the title "No Desire Club." The term allows for many identities—lack of desire simply means not having the desire, regardless of the reason: stress, bad experiences, self-determination. Asexuality means experiencing little to no sexual attraction to others. But this isn't a label you can just slap on yourself. Those who identify as asexual are part of the LGBTQIA+ community and must confront discrimination and prejudice.

You came out as queer early on, but not as asexual. Why was that more difficult for you?

I found it easier to come out as queer than to say, "I'm asexual." That comes with more shame, stemming from our society, where sex is considered so important and a constant state of desire is practically a given. This shame seeped into my body and made me feel like I couldn't talk about it. Only much later did I realize that there were structural reasons for it.

You mean the basic assumption that every human being has sex?

Exactly. We assume that not having sex is automatically a problem that needs to be fixed as quickly as possible. Especially in relationships, the person with lower libido is expected to "fix" the problem.

And that is fatal.

Studies show that many women lose their virginity out of embarrassment—not because they want to. The pathologizing of female sexual desire has a long and terrible history. As recently as the 1950s, frigidity was considered a medical problem and was treated with electroshocks. Even today, these misconceptions influence how we live together. Just recently, the European Court of Justice ordered France to challenge a 2012 ruling: a woman was blamed for her divorce because she no longer wanted sex. And this is the current reality. Right here in Europe, not in Saudi Arabia.

According to surveys, young people are having less and less sex. What's your explanation?

There are many factors at play. Gen Z grew up during the pandemic, which has led to a greater emphasis on digital social interaction. They aren't necessarily less sexually active, but they do meet up offline less often. Additionally, young people today live at home longer – meaning they have less privacy. They drink less alcohol, which can lower inhibitions. And crucially, they grew up with the #MeToo movement and are learning that saying "no" is not only allowed but important. Furthermore, their focus is shifting more towards friendships, mental health, hobbies, and career – and studies show that single women are often happier than those in relationships.

You also write about "compulsory sexuality". What exactly do you mean by that?

Compulsive sexuality is the climate in which sex is assumed to be an inherent part of being human. This, however, is a culturally charged script – not biologically predetermined. Since the advent of the birth control pill and the feminist movements, this view has changed significantly. Nevertheless, the notion that sex must happen anytime and anywhere persists, leading to reluctant sex and the fear of saying "no."

Overall, society is becoming more open; people talk about sex more. Couldn't this trend also create pressure to be part of this 'sex culture'?

Many debates, such as those about consent, masturbation, or sex toys, are important, but there are also the downsides of sexuality, and sometimes there's no space for them—even in so-called sex-positive environments. When sex isn't positive, which is often the case, there are no concepts to address it. I think it's high time that debates about desire always include the experience of lacking desire. We need a discussion that allows for both and encourages people not only to experience desire but also to be okay with not experiencing it.

Many women feel guilty when they don't feel like having sex – and immediately think of their partner. What can help?

The most important step is to stay true to yourself and not immediately see your lack of desire as a problem that needs solving right away. It's important to figure out whether it's really bothering you – or whether it's perfectly okay. And then you can confidently say: "Okay, fine, I'm not in the mood for sex – but maybe I'm in the mood for something else." That's just as valuable. And if you realize that you do generally feel like it, sex therapists sometimes even advise consciously taking the pressure off. Couples who decide not to have sex are often more likely to end up in bed together than those with scheduled sex times in their calendars. Because pressure is a real libido killer.

What would have to happen for female sexuality to truly emancipate itself from male-dominated images?

A crucial point would be for men to also allow themselves to sometimes not be in the mood. However, I don't believe that will happen across the board anytime soon. Furthermore, women have been raised with the feeling that they have to be the "good girl ," that they're there to make someone else happy. This quickly leads to the idea of ​​a debt, that we owe someone sex. That's not the case. But letting go of this idea takes a lot of energy. That's why FLINTA* solidarity helps – women, intersex, non-binary, and trans people who forge new paths together and empower each other. Women are strong at building bridges and forging connections. We need this strength.

Brigitte