Late Bloomers: And then she fell in love with a woman

She had been in a relationship with a man for 13 years when Anja Weidemann fell in love with her colleague. They both worked for the same trade fair construction company in Stuttgart. "It was an incredible feeling. I drove to work with my heart pounding for days," says the trained freight forwarding clerk, then 47.

How is it that people realize they have same-sex love long after puberty? Anja Weidemann's coming out was twelve years ago. She had never kissed a woman before, not even as a teenager. At school, she has a crush on Martin, just like other girls have a crush on anyone. "There wasn't a single queer person in my circle," says the 59-year-old. She hasn't had a steady boyfriend in a long time. "But I always thought: Someday the right guy will come along," says Weidemann.

She didn't meet D. until she was 32, through mutual friends. They were very similar in character, "a really nice guy. We got along incredibly well." For ten years, she felt like she was always the one planning trips and meetings with friends. "I knew something was missing," says Weidemann. After a trip to the USA, she broke up with him. "When I said it out loud, it was a catastrophe. For him, it came out of the blue." She was sorry about that, but it was also the moment when she realized what had been going on with her for the past few weeks: why she was going to work in such a good mood, almost euphoric. "I realized you're in love with your colleague."

Many late bloomers report being surprised. "Internalized homophobia causes this repression, sometimes completely unconsciously," says Götz Mundle, psychotherapist and head of the Sexual Orientation and Identity Department at the German Psychotherapists' Association (DPtV). The heteronormative imprint of man-woman-child is internalized as early as childhood. "In addition, a person who is 50 today and has come out grew up in a completely different era," says the therapist. Without Pride and without marriage for all.

How do we deal with relationship crises? When does a breakup make sense? Why do women break up differently than men? We answer these and other questions in our PDF dossier on relationships in crisis.

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While homophobic remarks are still commonplace in many classrooms today, there are role models like Billie Eilish, Andrew Scott, and Kevin Kühnert – who live openly queer lives. There's a widespread notion that someone can only be either heterosexual or homosexual, says Götz Mundle, "but it's a spectrum on which everyone individually resides."

Recent studies even show that sexual orientation can change over the course of a lifetime. "Openly living sexuality is important for our well-being, comparable to our social environment, a circle of friends, or a job." If one aspect is lacking over a long period of time, the risk of mental illness increases.

Things didn't work out with the woman from her company; she wasn't in love with her. But Anja Weidemann is curious. During her initial explorations, she realizes that the lesbian scene in Stuttgart is manageable. Once a month, there's a "women's disco," the other venues are gay bars. What made her so sure back then that she was lesbian and not bisexual? "It felt completely different than in my heterosexual relationships— much more emotionally intense ." In the evenings, on her way home, she danced through the city to "This Is My Life" and other queer anthems. But what felt like liberation for Anja Weidemann was a disaster for another woman, less than 200 kilometers away.

In 2021, two days before Christmas, Karin Wagner's husband confessed to her that he was having an affair with another man. After 35 years of relationship, two adult children, a house, and a garden, "My world collapsed; nothing was right anymore," says the 68-year-old family therapist.

Her name has been changed because she doesn't want to be publicly identified, but she wants to draw attention to the situation of partners and children affected by late coming out. "In the support group I'm in, I've witnessed so much suffering: men who cheat, lie, and blame the woman."

After coming out, she has to go to work that afternoon. It's only on the way back in the car that she finally lets it all out. She's crying so hard she can barely see the road. "We were a good couple for a long time, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed with him for 35 years."

Now she's questioning everything: Did he ever love her? Were she and the children just a token family? She's also ashamed. She's ashamed in front of those around her that this happened to her.

At the time, her husband, 73, was telling anyone who would listen that he was queer and felt like he was going through a second puberty. But he also wanted to stay with her, in a polyamorous relationship. He wanted to go on vacation "with him" twice a year. Wagner made it clear that she would never agree to such a model, and the hostility intensified: It was her fault that he had to keep it "under wraps" for so long. She was bossy and dominated him. She told him he should find an apartment and move out. When he left the house, their decades-long relationship condensed into a few lines. They communicated almost exclusively via email.

What remains is the feeling of failure, says Wagner. Those affected feel fundamentally deceived. "It may have been love, at least on a human level," says psychotherapist Götz Mundle. That's why it's so important in the coming-out conversation to honor the shared relationship and clearly state that the other person is not to blame.

And Anja Weidemann? What's next for her? Her first forays soon lead her to political initiatives . She helps organize demonstrations against schoolbooks that ignore queer lifestyles, marches in Pride parades, and becomes a member of the "Project 100% Human" initiative, which advocates for queer visibility. But finding a partner proves more difficult for her. Every now and then, she meets someone through forums or dating apps. She goes on dates, seeing some for longer. But she's no longer truly in love. That is, until she decides to create a Parship profile in spring 2018 and works through the lengthy questionnaire. Three weeks later, her profile is linked to that of a judge from Switzerland. Salome is also a late bloomer; she was married to a man for 25 years and has two grown sons.

They texted back and forth, then Weidemann drove the 215 kilometers to her. An open, independent woman with short hair—she liked that. "And the rest is history," she says. Together they explored Zurich and later Stuttgart, going out into nature, to the theater, or to readings. "She's also politically active. She was the campaign leader for marriage for all in Switzerland," says Weidemann. In 2020, they spontaneously married in Stuttgart. And two years ago, they fulfilled a dream and flew to the world's largest Pride celebration in New York.

For Anja Weidemann, more changed in 2012 than just her attraction to women instead of men. "Suddenly being in the right shoes was a completely different attitude to life."

Brigitte