Is it just me?: Why I can't treat myself like a friend

Almost every week, I read some kind of advice, and my first thought is: How is that supposed to help me? "Treat yourself like a friend" isn't one of them. When I first came across that phrase, I could immediately relate to it. For example, a friend is interested in how I'm doing. She takes my feelings seriously, likes me despite my faults and weaknesses. She enjoys spending time with me, and appreciates me for who I am. I want all of that in my behavior and attitude toward myself. It's all the more frustrating that I rarely manage to heed this advice and put it into practice. But instead of despairing of myself, I'm going to give it another try and ask myself with the genuine interest of a friend: What's the problem? What's actually my problem?

Strictness and discipline: What often drowns out my inner friend

If I put myself in a situation where I typically fail to treat myself in a friendly manner, the first thing that jumps out at me is a very dominant anger. Anger accompanied by a faint disappointment. This anger brings up phrases like, "Why didn't you think of that?" or "You could have done that weeks ago!" It reproaches me, holds my weaknesses and shortcomings against me. If I then try to counter it with a friend, "No one can always think of everything" or "A few weeks ago I didn't have the strength," the anger might subside a bit – but then the melancholy tones of disappointment come through better: "I wish I could do more." And at this point, I experience again and again: The comfort of an imagined friend, whom I'm supposed to play, is not even remotely comparable to that of a real one.

What this mental excursion into my everyday Monday moments shows me: There are different sides or currents within me that apparently don't always agree. While the strict side thinks I've messed up, the friendly side understands. I would love to listen only to this other side, as what it tells me triggers more pleasant feelings in me. But I can't simply push the strict side away - because I see that it has good intentions: It wants me to develop further. That I think about this one thing next time so that I don't have to get annoyed again. It may be exhausting, but ultimately it believes in me. And, go figure, that must mean: I believe in myself.

I am more for myself than a friend

As sensible, wise, and healthy as the advice to treat myself like a friend may be, I'm okay with only applying it to a limited extent. I'm not my friend. I am me. And my friends are my friends. I have a different responsibility towards myself than my friends do. I live every day with everything I do and who I am. I have to bear the consequences of my behavior. When I realize this, it seems completely understandable to me that I can't always just accept everything. That I occasionally get annoyed or regret something. Of course I want to like myself the way I am, but I also want to become who I would like to be - and who I believe I can be. For that, I need my tough side. For that, I have to allow myself to feel disappointed in myself.

If I find life too difficult and stressful, it might be because my friend isn't loud enough in my choir of inner voices. Perhaps I need to turn the volume up or put her further forward so she can reach me better. But overall, my choir, which has made me the person I am today, is harmonious. I can't and don't want to give a single voice the solo part, not even the warm, friendly one. However, I am all the more grateful for my external friends. Without them, my inner choir would have been out of sync long ago.

Brigitte

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